10.5.12

A whirlwind 5 months have passed and as always a LOT has happened.

I left December finally having moved on from the troubles I had last year, Ive never felt so emotionally drained in all my life, and I found the last six months of the year a big struggle, wondering if I would ever feel like myself again. I'm happy to say one day in December I just woke up, and felt like me, everything felt like it would be okay, and I wasn't worried about my inability to have children, how I would feel approaching my due date, and was no longer hoping to skip my birthday this year. (FYI the baby that we lost had a due date of 28th January- my birthday is a few days earlier). I didn't question why I felt fine all of a sudden, I just put it down to finally having moved on. 

When my gorgeous partner and I were in London celebrating our anniversary (a place that is very dear to us as our first 'official' date was walking along embankment at Christmastime looking at all the lights and just talking for hours), he got down one one knee next to the enormous Christmas Tree outside Somerset House and asked me to marry him, all I could do was cry, and in return get him blubbing a little because through all the struggles we had had, the only thing that we both knew was how much we wanted to be together and get through it together. Grief is an interesting thing, it can so easily tear people apart and cause conflict, but the only natural thing that came to us was to mourn together, and enjoy spending our time with eachother. Post Crying I instantly realised what had just happened and can barely remember a lot from afterwards, we spent the day in a haze of happiness, listening to Christmas Carols at the Royal Albert Hall, having dinner together and enjoying all the Christmas festivities that were happening around us, it truly was the most fantastic day and everything felt like it had slotted in to place. 

On December 23rd we found out that we were pregnant, it all pieced together why everything felt so right all of a sudden and how I felt so positive, everything felt different. When we found out I was already 6 weeks, the baby was the farthest thing from planned, we had decided we may start trying come February (after my due date, as for me this was the final hurdle, realising that there would be no baby and this date would always be significant to me), and on top of it, I had had a early miscarriage in November so this pregnancy was a miracle off the back of a miscarriage which is really rare!

Something about it felt different, I didn't think for a second everything would be okay, so we both ignored it and celebrated our Christmas as an engaged couple, thinking about ideas for our Winter Wedding (Dec 2012- which has now been pushed back) and waiting until we could get everything checked out to see if the same problems would arise. I'm happy to say that at 6 weeks the hospital found a very strong heart beat, and I'm sitting here currently at 25 weeks pregnant :-)

I have enjoyed every minute of being pregnant so far, even the morning sickness every single morning until 15/16 weeks pregnant, the nausea that I had all day every day, the horrendous sciatica, SPD and heartburn that I'm currently suffering with.. and looking like a whale. Up until 18 weeks I was still my body shape with a slight 'pouch' stomach, I've now got a full on stomach (which I love) and am putting weight on elsewhere on my body- I know its inevitable and as long as baby is healthy when they are born I will get myself back to myself. I feel blessed to be able to be carrying this child, and I love every time they kick and make my stomach flicker, I thought this wouldn't happen, as at 23 I had had a missed miscarriage which resulted in an operation having to take my baby out as my body had continued thinking it was pregnant, and two early miscarriages and somehow I'm sitting here feeling my little baby. I hurt for every woman that has ever experienced any problems with pregnancy, conception, child birth, as women our bodies are designed to carry children and reproduce and yet there are so many that find it such a struggle, and would give anything to be a mother. I know I felt like that, I couldn't see a pregnant woman without my eyes flooding with tears, and when my niece was born part of me felt so bitter as my baby was supposed to be born two weeks before. I'm getting a bit emotional at the moment, as all I can think of is the year anniversary of my operation, I literally felt like my world was collapsing, and every day for months I just cried and cried, I remember that night my boyfriend and I just laid in bed and just cried ourselves to sleep, it was the most painful thing I've ever experienced and I hated how much it hurt him, and that my body had just let us down. There were quite a few nights of this, just laying, crying together, and the thing I'm most looking forward to in this world is finally being able to have our child together- who will never know a day without love, and being able to marry the man who cried when I cried and mourned with me, getting me through every day when I couldn't see how life would go on. 

Every day I still worry, when I haven't felt the baby in a while he gets bombarded with texts and has to calm me down, I doubt that will go away until I have the baby (August), but there isn't a second that goes by that I don't feel like I'm the luckiest person in the world to have my husband to be, and for us to be pregnant :-)

I cant wait for baby to come, and my partner is planning the nursery as a surprise, we are both planning our wedding, and looking forward to having a little 7 month old baby there with all our friends and family celebrating one of the two best days of our lives.

This is little spaghetti

 (at the 12 weeks scan there was a lot of wiggly arms going on)