Thursday 28th June.

I was going to write to you..

From the beginning I was nervous beyond belief, but my plan all along was to write to you, keeping an account of everything I was going through; to help me, but to one day give to you. The worries, fears, happiness and excitement to meet you were all going to play a part, all I needed was to get past this unknown stage and to be told you were on your way to being with us.

I've had the nagging feeling in my gut that something awful could happen, you were so important that maybe this was my way of dealing with the news, to counteract with the potential; to stop myself getting to attached until further along. A few people close to us knew, and although I could openly talk about 'being pregnant' I was always caged, and used the words "if everything goes okay" to start every sentance. This was probably my insurance, there was still a chance something could change yet, and if so i'd be prepared if that day tragically came..

Problem was.. I wasnt prepared.. not even close..

Considering how many times the thought had crossed my mind (this was how important you were, I needed to get my head straight incase..) and how it felt like i'd mourned you since that last unknown appointment;even before a definitive answer, no logic or understanding could prepare for the pain that soared through me when we were told you were gone. 

The tears were the most agonizing thing i've ever felt, I couldnt breathe when they came; they just kept falling, silently, unhysterically, making me feel weaker the more I cried. 

I thought i'd done most of my crying already, last time something in my gut was preparing me for this, everything felt different, I felt different, I panicked every time I didn't feel the symptoms as strongly as before, but I was trying to ignore that feeling, putting it down to worry.

I cried at everything, and those tears weren't even a spec of what has fallen since.

Even through this pain my logical sense knows one day we will have moved on, we will still think of you, remembered forever, but day by day it will get slightly easier. We won't go to sleep with a broken heart, or wake up and not know how to get out of bed, we won't have to change channels or be pained when we see a baby. But I can't stop wondering how you are meant to get through this..

How do the days get easier, How long will it take before I don't get a pang of agony when I see a woman with a large pregnant bump, How can I accept other people are lucky enough to continue on with their pregnancy when mine wasn't able to, How do I stop the anger and resentment?

I cant stop asking myself why you were never meant to be, you felt like fate, the happiest unplanned for surprise! In such a stable, happy, loved home you were the next adventure for us to have.. but we're never to meet you.

Looking back I knew I should have started writing, but I was scared to start.. I wish I had so that right now I had something.. 

At this exact moment I don't know how to be okay, I feel empty and angry, and more sad than I felt possible.
Why did you give up?

Maybe the way to accept you'll never be with us is to write you away, confront the pain, cast the anger aside, and look to the future when one day we will be happy parents.. all whilst knowing you should have been our first born, but realizing that you couldn't..

Friday June 24th 2011

 You will never be forgotten, and a part of me, of us, will always be missing.

This is a greater love than I ever thought possible.

Whirlwind

In the past six weeks it feels like my life has completely changed. My partner and I have moved from our stunning flat into a beautiful house, complete with a back garden and an incredible view. We've just started to get our weekends back after weeks of moving preparation, decorating, getting our previous home up to scratch and spending time with family.

In this time we've found out something which will change our lives completely, and subsequently has started to change us as people, along with this bears a lot of complications, uncertainty and worries. With both of us waiting on essential and life changing knowledge we're finding it hard knowing how to deal with limbo, how to control the sporadic changes in emotion.. and weather to feel hopeful or give up.

My partner being the more optimistic of the two is dealing better, but as I look into his eyes and watch them fill up I know he feels the same, a wave of sadness consumes us; and we briefly let it, before brushing it away and accepting that we currently don't know anything, and can change no outcome. In the past week I have felt every emotion under the sun, I finally let myself be hopeful to then end up in agonizing tears because it was the only explanatory act for how I felt. Not only has my (and our) whole life changed recently, but we're on a road to it changing forever, whatever the outcome we won't end up the same people afterward. I am so lucky to have such a great soul to be sharing both the good and bad with, someone whom I love so much.

All I can think, all I can feel, little one don't give up yet, we have such a large place in our heart for you and you couldn't comprehend how empty we're feeling with the prospect of not knowing you. You were a surprise, you are wanted more than anything, you will never know a day without love, little one don't give up yet.