Thursday 28th June.

I was going to write to you..

From the beginning I was nervous beyond belief, but my plan all along was to write to you, keeping an account of everything I was going through; to help me, but to one day give to you. The worries, fears, happiness and excitement to meet you were all going to play a part, all I needed was to get past this unknown stage and to be told you were on your way to being with us.

I've had the nagging feeling in my gut that something awful could happen, you were so important that maybe this was my way of dealing with the news, to counteract with the potential; to stop myself getting to attached until further along. A few people close to us knew, and although I could openly talk about 'being pregnant' I was always caged, and used the words "if everything goes okay" to start every sentance. This was probably my insurance, there was still a chance something could change yet, and if so i'd be prepared if that day tragically came..

Problem was.. I wasnt prepared.. not even close..

Considering how many times the thought had crossed my mind (this was how important you were, I needed to get my head straight incase..) and how it felt like i'd mourned you since that last unknown appointment;even before a definitive answer, no logic or understanding could prepare for the pain that soared through me when we were told you were gone. 

The tears were the most agonizing thing i've ever felt, I couldnt breathe when they came; they just kept falling, silently, unhysterically, making me feel weaker the more I cried. 

I thought i'd done most of my crying already, last time something in my gut was preparing me for this, everything felt different, I felt different, I panicked every time I didn't feel the symptoms as strongly as before, but I was trying to ignore that feeling, putting it down to worry.

I cried at everything, and those tears weren't even a spec of what has fallen since.

Even through this pain my logical sense knows one day we will have moved on, we will still think of you, remembered forever, but day by day it will get slightly easier. We won't go to sleep with a broken heart, or wake up and not know how to get out of bed, we won't have to change channels or be pained when we see a baby. But I can't stop wondering how you are meant to get through this..

How do the days get easier, How long will it take before I don't get a pang of agony when I see a woman with a large pregnant bump, How can I accept other people are lucky enough to continue on with their pregnancy when mine wasn't able to, How do I stop the anger and resentment?

I cant stop asking myself why you were never meant to be, you felt like fate, the happiest unplanned for surprise! In such a stable, happy, loved home you were the next adventure for us to have.. but we're never to meet you.

Looking back I knew I should have started writing, but I was scared to start.. I wish I had so that right now I had something.. 

At this exact moment I don't know how to be okay, I feel empty and angry, and more sad than I felt possible.
Why did you give up?

Maybe the way to accept you'll never be with us is to write you away, confront the pain, cast the anger aside, and look to the future when one day we will be happy parents.. all whilst knowing you should have been our first born, but realizing that you couldn't..

Friday June 24th 2011

 You will never be forgotten, and a part of me, of us, will always be missing.

This is a greater love than I ever thought possible.