Thursday 28th June.

I was going to write to you..

From the beginning I was nervous beyond belief, but my plan all along was to write to you, keeping an account of everything I was going through; to help me, but to one day give to you. The worries, fears, happiness and excitement to meet you were all going to play a part, all I needed was to get past this unknown stage and to be told you were on your way to being with us.

I've had the nagging feeling in my gut that something awful could happen, you were so important that maybe this was my way of dealing with the news, to counteract with the potential; to stop myself getting to attached until further along. A few people close to us knew, and although I could openly talk about 'being pregnant' I was always caged, and used the words "if everything goes okay" to start every sentance. This was probably my insurance, there was still a chance something could change yet, and if so i'd be prepared if that day tragically came..

Problem was.. I wasnt prepared.. not even close..

Considering how many times the thought had crossed my mind (this was how important you were, I needed to get my head straight incase..) and how it felt like i'd mourned you since that last unknown appointment;even before a definitive answer, no logic or understanding could prepare for the pain that soared through me when we were told you were gone. 

The tears were the most agonizing thing i've ever felt, I couldnt breathe when they came; they just kept falling, silently, unhysterically, making me feel weaker the more I cried. 

I thought i'd done most of my crying already, last time something in my gut was preparing me for this, everything felt different, I felt different, I panicked every time I didn't feel the symptoms as strongly as before, but I was trying to ignore that feeling, putting it down to worry.

I cried at everything, and those tears weren't even a spec of what has fallen since.

Even through this pain my logical sense knows one day we will have moved on, we will still think of you, remembered forever, but day by day it will get slightly easier. We won't go to sleep with a broken heart, or wake up and not know how to get out of bed, we won't have to change channels or be pained when we see a baby. But I can't stop wondering how you are meant to get through this..

How do the days get easier, How long will it take before I don't get a pang of agony when I see a woman with a large pregnant bump, How can I accept other people are lucky enough to continue on with their pregnancy when mine wasn't able to, How do I stop the anger and resentment?

I cant stop asking myself why you were never meant to be, you felt like fate, the happiest unplanned for surprise! In such a stable, happy, loved home you were the next adventure for us to have.. but we're never to meet you.

Looking back I knew I should have started writing, but I was scared to start.. I wish I had so that right now I had something.. 

At this exact moment I don't know how to be okay, I feel empty and angry, and more sad than I felt possible.
Why did you give up?

Maybe the way to accept you'll never be with us is to write you away, confront the pain, cast the anger aside, and look to the future when one day we will be happy parents.. all whilst knowing you should have been our first born, but realizing that you couldn't..

Friday June 24th 2011

 You will never be forgotten, and a part of me, of us, will always be missing.

This is a greater love than I ever thought possible.

Whirlwind

In the past six weeks it feels like my life has completely changed. My partner and I have moved from our stunning flat into a beautiful house, complete with a back garden and an incredible view. We've just started to get our weekends back after weeks of moving preparation, decorating, getting our previous home up to scratch and spending time with family.

In this time we've found out something which will change our lives completely, and subsequently has started to change us as people, along with this bears a lot of complications, uncertainty and worries. With both of us waiting on essential and life changing knowledge we're finding it hard knowing how to deal with limbo, how to control the sporadic changes in emotion.. and weather to feel hopeful or give up.

My partner being the more optimistic of the two is dealing better, but as I look into his eyes and watch them fill up I know he feels the same, a wave of sadness consumes us; and we briefly let it, before brushing it away and accepting that we currently don't know anything, and can change no outcome. In the past week I have felt every emotion under the sun, I finally let myself be hopeful to then end up in agonizing tears because it was the only explanatory act for how I felt. Not only has my (and our) whole life changed recently, but we're on a road to it changing forever, whatever the outcome we won't end up the same people afterward. I am so lucky to have such a great soul to be sharing both the good and bad with, someone whom I love so much.

All I can think, all I can feel, little one don't give up yet, we have such a large place in our heart for you and you couldn't comprehend how empty we're feeling with the prospect of not knowing you. You were a surprise, you are wanted more than anything, you will never know a day without love, little one don't give up yet.

 

Dear Self..

You're going to have some struggles, so sit up straight, pay attention and plan.
You'll feel such pain for your family, and you'll experience such love.
You'll have to sit with your mum countless times, helping her with problems, cuddling her whilst she cries, supporting her at all costs. You'll be there when her mum dies, you'll be there for the next 15 years everytime she gets upset about loosing her, trying to fight back tears yourself as you listen to her sob knowing there's nothing you can do except share in the few years you remember of her. You'll break down and cry yourself because all you want is a cuddle from your granny, for your granny to be here so your mum doesn't have to cry anymore. You'll have tears fall everytime you think about her, because you miss her as much as she did, and because you know that your mum to this day still needs her. 

 You'll go to your mum and dads wedding, and when your 23 you'll still remember how you ran into the graveyard holding your doll and cried a little. You'll never know why you cried, you were happy for your mum, but for 4 years it had just been you, your mum, your granny, and now you have to share her. 
At the age of 23 you'll look at photos of their wedding when your creating a mothers day present for her and feel such emotion, you won't know why, but you feel a great comfort that you were there to see them get married, that you are in a photo where they are kissing, that your granny was there to witness your mums happiness, that she married such a great man.

 You'll let into your heart the most amazing father, at first it'll be difficult, and you'll feel strange from time to time, this is to be expected, you are just getting to know him, but you'll always feel safe with him. Over the years you'll have arguments and scream at eachother, but even the times you think you hate him, and your crying like an idiot you'll always jump to defend him if anyone says a bad word against him.You'll be forever loyal to him, and as you grow up you'll know you care for him because you chose to, and that he chose you to be his daughter. He wanted you! 


You'll welcome a little brother, and a little sister who you'll care for as your own. Your siblings will come to you whenever they need anything, whenever they want a hug, and at 7 you'll be changing your little sisters nappies and feeding her as much as possible to help your mum and dad out. This will turn out to be great, you wont understand until your older how much pressure this took of your mum and her teaching, and how much closer it'll bring you as a family. In the future your brother and sister will trust you with every secret and you'll be able to help them out whilst giving your parents a clear mind that there okay.


At some point you'll have to mediate between your mother and father, for some reason they seem to not be getting on, there always arguing, they aren't spending any time together and there both upset. It pains you to see this, and you often get involved telling them they need to not be together or they need to start acting like a couple again, you tell them you want them to kiss, to be affectionate, to go away just themselves and reignite the spark. Your told your much older than your years, and your mum continues to come to you every time she needs you. Your parents get through whatever it was, their happy, they kiss, they cuddle, they still argue, it still upsets you and your siblings, but then they make up. They spend their weekends together as soon as your all old enough to be left, you couldn't be happier! 


At 13 you fall ill, you have 6 weeks off school and can't stay awake longer than a few hours a day, your mum panics when you shrink down to age 10 clothes, your so tired. For the duration of your high school period you struggle, eventually the doctors diagnose you with M.E/Chronic Fatigue Syndrome, your distraught and fight against it, this does you no good and you take weeks at a time off school. You need to accept that your not well, you need to stand up for yourself when people dont understand, they say your lazy and just need a good nights sleep, you need to not challenge yourself thinking its physcological, you need to keep going to school once/twice a week and up it when you can. You will pass all 9 of your GCSE's and you'll cry with happiness, whilst hiding guilt knowing you should have done better. For years you'll cry yourself to sleep and argue with your mum when she's trying to help, shouting at her that you can do it yourself, then dropping to the floor crying because all you want to do is go to school, be a normal teenager and have friends. You'll find a great group of friends who will understand and support you, who will fight your defense if anyone dares mention a reason your not at school, you'll all spend your summer holidays together, birthdays together, have house parties and drunken escapades with eachother, you'll pass your driving tests together and when your in upper sixth they'll buy you a chocolate cupcake because for the first time since you've fallen ill 5 years previous you'll have made a whole school week. You'll cry in the middle of the playground and be hugged by everyone. One of your friends will become your first boyfriend at 17, you will be happy for a time, but it was never meant to be, in the end you'll just feel betrayed by your friend, nothing more. In future years you'll see him around as you share the same friends, and you'll wonder what happened to the boy he was, he doesn't even hold a trace of that person he once was. You loose a lot of weight in this time, but its because your not happy with your life. You want to move away, have your own life, you feel claustrophobic. With your best friend at hand you go to college and start a part time job. You finally gain self confidence, you are faced head on with having to hold your head up high, and be composed, guess what: you succeed! You move away to university and come out a fashion design graduate, your personal life over this time will be tough, and you'll always dismiss yourself to an excruciatingly low standard. You'll let people treat you like dirt over and over again and when you finally start appreciating yourself you'll come out on top and can look forward to the future. 


 You'll meet the person of your dreams, you'll wonder why someone like him would look at you, he tells you you are the most beautiful girl he has ever seen, exactly what he described to his friends before meeting you, you'll go on a 'platonic' date, and you know your falling for him already. You go on your first proper date, and you walk along embankment holding hands, going to a fancy restaurant where he finds you endearing because of how out of place you feel. You nervously say that its odd how odd it doesn't feel, you know there's something about him. You stay with him at his place for days on end, and its already your joint home, he doesn't want you to leave, you know your falling head over heels in love. Within weeks your together, and at Christmas you both express your love. He moves back to his home town (your home town), 50 miles to be with you, you don't know this until a few months later he tells you, you want to cry! The thought makes you tear up even now, you move in together and you're so in love, so happy.

 Your grandpa will fall ill, and you don't know how to feel, he's a lovely man but has always been strict, you hate seeing him so frail, and you worry now for your dad. You start to worry about your mum, she's not taking enough care of herself, and everytime you think of the two of them you well up.. You want to protect everyone but you feel so tired, it's not your job but you'll always do it. You need your mum to be okay! You go home to your partner and he cuddles you whilst you cry. From the beginning you two have discussed children and marriage, and at this time there is nothing you want more than to be his wife, and have a family, you worry about your small family slipping and it makes you want it all then and there.

You no longer worry about what people think, you wonder why everything has to be planned so much in advance, how is a few more years going to help? You want to be able to share the happiness whilst people are still around, that's more important to you than anything, and so your at a crossroads. 
 

 You'll learn you are the most loyal person to your family, that you are scared to open up but eventually do, that when people say you can fall head over heels for someone- it can happen, that all those years you thought you weren't good enough, pretty, whitty enough, you'd never be happy are behind you, and that you are worth it! 

Life is to short for endless plans and worries, just be.

The love I feel for Doctors

Doctors

I know there a life send as is the NHS, but sometimes doctors really wind me up! The other week I finally got a doctor who listened to me, months after I'd gone to the doctor repeatedly asking there assistance, after not going for another other than pill checks as mine never gave me any help, the local pharmacists were more useful to me!

Basically for a very long time I've been suffering with headaches, sometimes migraines. These headaches are continual dull aches, that last me all day, I wake up with them and frequently go to bed with them, painkillers don't help, and no I don't need glasses except for reading and yes I use those (etc.). Yes I've changed my pill to try combat it, no it did nothing, yes it's been cold/hayfever weather but no its not those I know the difference, it literally has not left my side for as long as I can remember. 

I've also been suffering for years with a problematic stomach (no details necessary), however for the last 6 months the occasional bloating has become full blown daily, I now no longer wake up with a flat stomach, I look a teeny tiny bit preggers, not a problem if i was, but I'm not, and it's sore, it hurts to breathe in so much that I can't, Ive taken to wearing jeans and baggy tops/jumpers to hide it, my waist has gone from being small and feminine to unrecognisable as you can't see past the swollen stomach. I constantly feel nauseous, and no I'm not preggers, yes I have periods, yes I've double checked anyway. Yes I'm eating a healthy balanced diet and swimming weekly (not the last 2 weeks- whoops), the toilet trips are well... not ideal, yes there probably is a problem there but no not enough to be causing this stomach without something else. I now end up going to bed in agony,  and looking at least second trimester preggers worth, I feel so inadequate, so unhappy with myself, I try eating healthier but I know I eat a good mix anyway, I step on the scales and am now 9lbs heavier than Christmas.. so stomach issues continue.

The last one is this nagging irritating throat, no it's not hayfever as it's been going on for months on end. No it's not a cold, listen a family friend had a aggravated, sore itchy throat yes same symptoms, she got checked out, had throat cancer and died, horrific as she was fighting fit, no I don't think I have that, however if I feel the need to get you to examine my throat to try and work out why it keeps doing this after multiple antihistamines etc I think I have valid reason, it scared my shitless, I'm not going to ignore this throat anymore! Foods also aggravate this so much that I'm continually trying to clear my throat as it feels tight, itchy, sore, round about it then makes it worse.. so yes, irritating, and yes affecting me daily, hourly, and yes no doctor has wanted to spend more than 5 minutes wanting to discuss this with me, they keep writing different prescriptions as they don't work and tend not to examine me properly... or at all!

So Doctor A's the one who I ended up so frustrated with, after I left I went home and cried, probably not all doctor A's fault, this was the second to last in a line of non helpful non sympathetic doctors making me feel as if I had no right to be there, judgemental looks as I was trying to explain the symptoms and multiple fob off's of 'hayfever', 'upset stomach', 'virus going round', 'not drinking enough' no doctor, just help me please? first question on hearing about my headaches was, have you had your eyes checked "yes, last time it was mentioned I went and specifically had a test", maybe it's your pill yes, that's why I changed it to see if it was relevant- suffice to say inevitably nothing changed. Are you under any stress? well yes, financial, work, you bloody doctors messing me around everytime I come here, looking at me in shame that I should be walking through your doors, getting rid of me in 5 minutes without examining me at all... yes, yes I'm a bit stressed, but I don't let myself get stressed, this is a dull ache, that continues all day until I go to bed, and as soon as I wake up, its different, trust me.. hmm..... the doctor has no idea, and puts it down to stress- now I and anyone else know there own body, when you say its different, you know its different. 

So when I mentioned my stomach bloating, which to describe as if someone had punctured a hole, put a pump in there and blown it up until it feels like its going to burst put it down to my pill, my age, my putting on weight, no I say, this is not the reason, it's painful, it's sore, yes I've put on weight and I think it's all lying on my stomach, heavy, sore. Are you pregnant  Doctor A asks no, I'm on my period, ahh well it could be that that's caused the bloating, no, it's been getting gradually worse for months now, and no I haven't been eating any differently, putting on weight, doing anything different, and yes it is probably something to do with my toileting, but this is something you need to look into instead of giving me yet another different type of pill to try and combat irregular toileting. I was getting stressed at this point, and had a giant migraine appear, okay maybe stress can affect me from time to time but I know when it's different. 

When I mentioned my throat it was as simple as, hayfever/cold.. no I say its continuous, I'm always having to clear my throat, its always scratchy, it always hurts, after certain foods it gets 100% worse and I end up aggrivating my throat trying to get rid of the problem, eventually said doctor looks down my throat and says your doctor term for large dangley thing that's not your tonsels are touching the back of your tongue, this could be assisting, oh right, thanks for finally LOOKING at me enough to find something! so I got yet more pillls to try combat that.. ramble ramble ramble etc.

Eventually I had an appointment with a different doctor, Doctor B was absolutely brilliant, after at least 6 months of going to doctors, them prescribing me numerous (and expensive after added up) things to try 'sort out' what they thought the problem was, she examined me. She actually examined me, within minutes of feeling my stomach, watching my whince in pain, asking all necessary and intrusive (and embarassing) questions she had decided I needed blood tests, blood tests for this, that, bowels, intestines, intolerances to foods etc to find out what the cause was, as with umpteen stomach prescriptions behind me nothing was changing, and said bloated stomach, agonising pains were getting worse and worse, so one thing down, she actually beleives me! and doesn't think it's time of the month related, 'just' toilet related, and funnily enough there's a running theme of this sort of thing in my family, glad she acknowledged that, and my grandad was ceoliac. right, so next up was my throat, I said how previous doctor said there was no way I could be allergic, because I didnt ever get rashes, even though as soon as eating some foods (that are all the same food type) my throat gets aggravated and feels slightly closed up. This also isn't physcological, as my partner has cooked dinner before, I've not known what was in it, instantly start up with aggrivating issues and he's told me what's in it. He's been supportive and gets so annoyed at the ack of help, and I feel so bad with complaining and him having to live with my wrteched throat!! Doctor B says Doctor A is a fool fact and that there clearly could be an intolerance to something scribbles a few more things on blood tests theyre to check for, after explaining reaction to certain foods, then she looks at my throat, and my ears... and up my nose, and says well your scienuses are clearly blocked not hayfever cold blocked but blocked enough to potentially have to look into it further in the future, so we'll start trying to clear those as this could be a reason for the headaches, and this will most probably be attacking your throat. In addition your stomach is affecting your throat through acid, which could partially be reason for swelling. So my throat could be being made worse, by both ends of my body, lovely! Despite mentioning this to every doctor before Doctor B noone had made a link, looked at my ears and nose, or even did a thorough inspection of my stomach/chest/pelvic area!

Anyway rant over, I know it's unimportant but I get so frustrated when doctors just cattle market you, yes individual patients do suprisingly need more than 5 minutes, and for you to actually listen to them suprise suprise, yes I'm 23, I go to work every day, through headaches/migraines/upset stomachs/agonising stomach cramps and yes I'm here to get help not try and skive work.

Let's hope these tests actually find out what's wrong, I've got a few new pills to be dealing with to assist the throat mending and scienus problems, and one to assist the acid in my stomach. I'm just so glad there's a reason everythings been playing up because I literally feel crap every day from one of them, and it was really getting me down, and the stomach is not helping how I feel about my appearence.

Swings and roundabouts, rant over! Anyone else had problems like this? I might change doctors as my boyfriends are more helpful with him, and it's closer to ours.

Hello April

Welcome to April,  I can't beleive its the 4th already, this year is speeding by far to quickly! This time last year i'd done so many things, as noted by the gargantuan folder labeled 2010. January 10 I turned 22, February 10 I, my partner and some friends went to climb Mount Snowdon in Wales (I then realised I have a large joint problem), March, April, May were spent spending time with family, birthdays, parties, heading down to bournemouth way with my partner, and on occasion his family. So far this year not to much has happened but what a busy summer I have coming up making up for this!

Loves

The partner and I are setting off moving again! We haven't been in this flat (were in a one bedroom before this) even a year but the oppoutunity of a lovely house came up for the same price, so within 6 weeks we'll be house-bound! I'm so excited and it's such a lovely step for us to take, a proper house, with a little garden :)

One of my partners oldest friends and his fiance had a baby the other week, I went to see it at the weekend and he is beautiful! I was holding him for a good hour and he was so sleepy and cute, suprsingly large feet and hands for an 11 day old. This definately hasn't cured my broodiness, but I have always wanted to be a mother so this is to be expected.

I get to go to there wedding in May which'll be lovely, and the little one will be dressed up in a teeny tiny suit, cute!

...this means I need to find a dress to wear, so any ideas send my way!

We're having a weekend away in May also which'll be nice, work is exceptionally busy for him at the moment and we both could do with a change of scenary, down by the beach, where I feel at home, counting down the days till I can see the waves and smell the fresh air.

Mothers day was wonderful, dad, my siblings and I created two large beautiful photo frames for her. The pictures were ranging from her as a young child to as recent as Saturday, which was a lovely suprise for her. She loved looking through the photos from various years, of us, her and dad, her parents/relatives, instead of being left in photo albums which never see the light of day they are now on the wall for all to see and enjoy. It felt a particularly emotional mothers day this year, as it was my grannys birthday and she hasn't been with us for at least 15 years now. As much as we all miss her, mum especially, I think this was the most perfect present she could have received, didn't mean to create the waterworks though!

My partner has his birthday this month, and my little sister turns the ripe old age of 16 at the turn of may, it's an expensive old month, and i'll without a doubt have to turn to the overdraft to buy presents but I love buying presents for people, hopefully I can think of lovely inexpensive, thoughtful gifts to give.

I want to start a photography diary, I don't know if i'll ever upload it to this, but I really enjoy the 365 photo diaries (Im to late to start this) as I think it's a great way to capture the goings on of the year, and I really miss taking photos.

A new month means a chance to redirect my  failed atempt at completing my March Monthly Tasks.

April Monthly Tasks

1. Visit the Yohji Yamamoto at the V&A: LOVE!!  (12 March - 10 July 2011)  Maybe impossible this month with mothers day, partners birthday, siblings birthday..
2. Finally get round to photographing and selling things on eBay I may scream, i've needed to do this for 2 months! I REALLY NEED TO DO THIS
3. Start one form of excercise a week (to eventually increase to 2 etc..)
4. Start packing up our things for moving day- Ee :)
5. Plan mood boards to create a photoshoot for my final collection, potfolio standard (I graduated in 09!)
6. Gather research for my jackets project

 This is the best part of my monthly tasks so far, in addition are all the previous march fails.

 Stunning

Happy Sunday Thoughts

 Springs finally on it's way, blossom everywhere

Sunday Naps

Watching Broadwalk Empire religiously before bed

Pampering Sunday

Finally Payday in a few days!

 So as March is nearing the end, I thought i'd refer back to the task list I set myself for March. In order to keep myself from getting bored, frustrated, and concentrating on money problems there were plenty of things for me to do... not many got done. Maybe my April tasks will be easier accomplished. (let down)

1. Visit the Yohji Yamamoto at the V&A: LOVE!!  (12 March - 10 July 2011) Will be visiting this when i'm paid
2. Visit a castle, manor house or some sort of architectural building and take lots of photographs Well i didn't visit an architectural place, but my partner, his brother and I went to an unused airfield (partners work), so for the time being this counts enough
3. Take at least 2 Polaroid photos (which will in someway describe my month) Took one of a friend who was visiting from Ireland, this month hasn't really had anything particularly explanatory about it. Fail, took one first day of april?
4. Finally get round to photographing and selling things on eBay I may scream, i've needed to do this for 2 months!
5. Save up to purchase a new snap shot digital camera  (may continue into April) Saving up isn't a possibility at the moment, every penny is spent by the end of the month, no holiday, no digital camera, may rob a bank for birthday presents...
6. Research things to do for the partners birthday/presents (and save save save also april) Have been looking into it, few ideas, saving up isn't a possibility at the moment, every penny is spent by the end of the month, no holiday, no digital camera, may rob a bank for birthday presents...
7. Visit London  (financially same day as v&a would be ideal)!Sigh
8. Start a project (be it fashion, photography, housework) Fail
9. Update more on this blog (and change layout if i can work out html enough) More frequent updates, tick, a few changes, tick, no html changes, fail, more interesting things, fail.
10. Start and complete one book Done! It was a rubbish book, and I nearly threw it in the bin, but I had to finish it to see how they ended the ludicrous story, they didn't, it was bad, but tick!
11. Make one from scratch dinner from a recipe book I have until Thursday to complete this
12. Get my first haircut at a salon (seriously never have) & have a change with my hair as its in a massive rut OH MY GOSH YES! Now just to learn how to style it
13. Continue to swim each week I haven't swum for two weeks, bum
14. Start using Wii Fit  again, at least 3 times a week! Haha, I haven't even turned it on. Jeez.

 My plan for today goes like this:

Pull everything out of my wardrobe (not hard most is on the floor)

Pack up everything I haven't worn for a while or isn't fitting properly and remove from wardrobe

Organise my wardrobe (dressing for work is a mission at the moment)
Go through makeup, get rid and organise

Hoover (yawn)

Do the food shopping for the week (yawn)

Have a nap (anyone else continually tired)

Google a way to get rid of my awful skin at the moment (ANY IDEAS?)

Relax/Pamper/Have a bath 

I don't expect many of these to get done...

Happy Sunday