Peacock Lace

After my last post, I decided to try to sort out my blog, I've created a separate space for those days when I just want to write every thought out of my head, those private ones that unless you confront will appear when your sitting in traffic, trying to concentrate at work, or even watching a programme with a similar story line.
I have a few old posts that are with this theme, but this is going forward I will try to divide things up.
I want this blog to be about my life, things I  experience, things I long to do, inspiration, guilty pleasures, and too keep the thoughts that I need to pour out of my head in a place where I can type until my fingers ache and not affect 'my happy things'.

I've decided to start a few regular things on this blog, to  keep me posting more regularly (as I do love it), to stay restless, keep my mind happy and not worry about the stresses of life which I can't control, and to get my creativity back (which I really seem to have lost). 


I've made lists forever, and  I decided I need to make a Monthly Tasks list. I've seen a few people make a list of things they want to do in the next 24 months, and the 10 things that make me happy (excellent idea), but this is a list of things I want to accomplish every month.I've always gotten restless, as a child I wanted to do everything, try everything once, and as an adult i'm still following that thought. I want to visit everywhere, see everything! Money permitting I imagine id be constantly in a different country experiencing culture and photographing EVERYTHING. I just want to see the world! I have no extra money to spend, so these tasks have to be reasonable things I can accomplish, things to experience both individually and with my partner, things to bring back my creative mind and to inspire me.

I have countless 'bucket lists' of things I want to tick off before I die (in truth more of a two year bucket list, as if it went on longer i'd probably piss myself off in annoyance- i'm impatient and want everything now ha) but i'm hoping this monthly bucket list will make me focus my energy in the right places, whilst trying to sort my career and keep my mind off financial problems. If it makes me less restless, happier and have more energy I will have succeeded.

I will also be borrowing the happy idea, 5 lovely happenings, concentrating on good things to happen even when i'm having one of those days. Sometimes I get hung up on the bad things, and I need to give it a break a bit, it's stressing me out that I can't seem to change the situations at the moment. Hopefully this'll give the headaches a rest
I will be continuing to update my Bucket Lists (most probably with new places I've decided I need to go to in my life) and my Inspiration.

I will get my creativity back, and I will push life's worries out of my head a bit.
Here's to taking a lot more photos, ticking off lots of things on my lists and waiting for the inevitably cold summer!

=)




Of late my head just feels full of dilemmas, my job doesn't fill me with joy or even sound as great as it is, I want to be doing something I feel inspired to do (doesn't everyone), but don't know what that is.

I come home from work and hold no inspiration to do anything creative, I have the skills, I have enough imagination from time to time but I just get home and slump.

I look at a pile of washing up in the kitchen and just sigh, I notice the carpet needs hoovering, I sigh, I look at my clothes scattered on the bedroom floor like a child and sigh. Don't get me wrong my home is actually fairly tidy and clean but there is always a list of things that need doing, even if you do them every evening, always a list!

So I get in from work feeling completely uninspired and wait until my partner gets home, he makes me smile, and we watch something, or fool around, make dinner together. This is the best part of my day, the time that I spend with him (not including seeing mine and his family), then its off to bed to start the day all over again.

I know in the climate im lucky to have a job, and i'm not naive enough to think any job will be perfect, but I just want to have a reason to get up in the morning, to bounce out of bed and be thinking, 'hey im quite looking forward to going to work today'. Maybe its my personality, I always crave things, change, doing things, I want to go away on cheap flights just to see cities for the day, if im sitting home I want to be out doing something, going for a walk, taking photo's, I sit at work thinking I need to do this, but as soon as the days over i'm exhausted and just want to slump, which aggravates me as I don't find it fun, but lack the energy to do much else.

I clearly need motivation, probably always have, I have a lot when it comes to some things then something will knock my confidence and i'll become unmotivated with anything for a while and let things get me down. Being this way bores me and I try to change, and it's near impossible, changing the way you've always been!

So I want to wake up in the mornings and not dread making the journey to work, to wake up and not feel groggy all day, exhausted, blue, I have really happy days where I just think about happy things, but these aren't as frequent as i'd like them to be, and its aggravating feeling this way when I in no way have any reason to feel blue.

I feel so old at 23 (i've only been 23 a month!), I have all these responsibilities and bills coming out, yet I don't have anywhere near the job financially to support this, i'm not asking to earn a lot, just a little bit more would be the most helpful thing in the world. Working hard everyday (happy or not) and having almost all come out on bills/travel/food, with little left over is a guaranteed reason to feel glum. I don't want expendable income, i'd just like to be able to go to a gig, out for dinner, a few drinks or even treat myself to a piece of clothing (lower end price) without having to either justify why i'm spending it, or having to split the cost over a month or two (no joke). 

I know some people at 23 are a lot further ahead in their lives than I am, engaged/married/kid/mortgage, but sometimes I wonder if i'm growing up to quickly. Retracted, I never feel i'm growing up to quickly, living with my partner is natural and I would change this for the world, being in a serious relationship I would NEVER change, I can't really explain what I mean, maybe its all money based and i'm just envious of some folk I know, who live at home, earn more and can just do things. I crave doing!

Phew.

I need to find the motivation in my life again, and whether or not I enjoy what I do in this job or another I need to have motivation when I get home, find my creativity and sparkle again, and not let things get on top to much, getting up for a job I didnt like would be great if I knew i'd be earning enough to warrant that, or getting up for a job I loved and being paid little would also.

I'm not moaning really, I do love my family, I love my partner, I love our home, just every now and then I wonder if i'm going to miss out on things due to money, a few days holiday with my partner and a few friends would be great, i've never been away with friends before, I wouldn't want to do it without him, as everything I want to do includes him, but sometimes I feel him being older, and him being where he was at my age  (home, working- not earning loads but being at home allowing for money to do things with his friends), and we're at such completely different places. I don't want to miss out on fun adventures before I get to old, or have more responsibilities with children.

I realise this is a complete contradiction of the post I last wrote "you pile up enough tomorrows and you'll find you've collected a lot of empty yesterdays" - i'm worried it'll be tomorrow and I won't have done the things that are important to me that I experience. I say grab life by the balls, but how when everything costs money.

I hate feeling blue and it's becoming an increasingly regular habit!

*Added: I put on half a stone in a week, i'm now nearing my heaviest weight again,  I don't know how, I don't know why, i'm not really eating any differently  (or comfort eating), or doing anything differently. 

Currently I just feel like a (newly) 23 year old, skint, uninterested, unmotivated frump and it kind of kills me thinking this way. 

Any idea how to get out of this?
And on the flip side, despite banging on about responsibility, money, being young, doing things, part of me just wants to start a family with my partner, get married, get a house and a dog. 
Why do I contradict myself ALL the time?  
I need the results instantaneously all the time! 
Messhead.

He makes me smile more than anything despite this, I would marry him tomorrow if i could, and I can't wait to get home to him tonight, he won't know what will have hit him with the amount of cuddles he'll receive.