January 21st

I feel like i'm stuck in a massive rut, i'm so bored with everything going on and craving something new. I always want to be busying myself with something or being somewhere, but I can't afford it, after paying out my rents and bills there isn't enough left over to really be doing anything, and I dont even go out or drink. Last year was an exceptional year, i've never had a great year, every month something great happened, ever month my boyfriend and I, friends, family, multitude of people seemed to be doing something or other, and it kept me from being bored. I need a task, a challenge, a project.. I know its not even a month after Christmas, so moneys tighter than usual, its my birthday on Sunday and im not excited for that. I shouldn't be moaning, I have things great, i've just always felt like this since I can remember, every year ive wanted to be doing things, experiencing things.. blahblah.

Maybe its just the post Christmas-January blues, maybe its I need to be more excited career-wise, who knows. I always feel your never allowed to glum or in a rut if you have things okay.. 

I'm really missing my holiday, its the first time i've had a holiday abroad and the first for my boyfriend and I (except for weekend trips), I liked exploring and being somewhere different, obviously Cuba has it great points, it's secluded, half way across the world, stunning (think white sands, turquoise beaches if you've never been), it absolutely blew my mind! Maybe it's my town, it's a dive that has nothing going for it, it's often on the tv as one of the worst towns in the UK, and when I moved away to uni, I promised myself i'd never come back, I never wanted to, obviously like most I ended up back here, and I know I wont be here forever, as my boyfriend and I will one day move closer to his work, and to London, but the whole place depresses me!! There is no life, atmosphere, anything special, just a lot of too angry- continually drinking and fighting folk, who dont even try to find jobs!

Rant over, don't really know what the whole reason for feeling like this is, I think I just have cabin fever and need to be traveling the country doing mindless things like when your a teenager (i'll fill my weekends with this from now on).

Also on a different.. facebook drives me crazy, I logged on today (been a while), I can't begin to state my dislike for it now, its full of old old photos on everyones pages from years ago, folk noone want to remember, times that were so bad photographs are worse than the memories. If I didnt use it to look at the photos from the last year (I only have them from them now) it'd so be gone. phew.. I know 'moaner' right.

I'll happily go back here (note: first day, and yes I am transparent)

I know i'll have a great weekend with my boyfriend and family though, so maybe my moods lifting :)

Maybe I just need to get out of this town (although I love our little home) with him and go somewhere different just us for a day or so, he seems to be the only one to lift me from this mood at the moment.

January 18th

A little bit of blurb I don't know where to put or even if it bears any relevance to anything.

I'm yet to know what this blog is, i'm a ridiculously scatty brained person with my mind going off in tangents within seconds. I think sometimes my boy finds it hard to keep up, as often a confused look jumps to his face.

I don't completely understand this site, or how to make things pretty, for the time being (without the buttons i'd love) there is a nice colour and I can insert pictures, works for now. I read hundreds of different blogs, fashion blogs, beauty, lifestyle. I wish I could incorporate these things into mine, but I currently don't feel comfortable with my style or my appearance to have anything worthy of documenting. Currently whatever pops into my head will most likely be posted, it's how i've always been (fortunate or unfortunate) in life, so why would I change now?!

I'm a fashion design graduate currently working as a website product photographer for a fashion company. My days are spent with flashes going off in my eyes and sitting on the computer photoshopping until I can no longer see. Days vary as to whether I like my job or loathe it, it's not the area I feel is best for me, but whilst I don't have a clue where I want to end up, but currently this is a good place to experience the working world, and don't think for one second im not greatful for a job when I know its difficult finding one. Getting this job was lucky for me, i'd graduated uni and came back to the dead end bar job i'd been doing on and off for a few years, I met my partner, quit my shit job (earning nothing!) and was unemployed for a few months, sending off 7-10 applications weekly for everything, and doing a few months of home caring in the mean time.

Fashion and clothes have been the only thing that I can think back to have interested me as much when I was 12/13 as they still do now. I'm not continually up to date with current trends, and buy vogue more for the editorial shoots (fashion photography is my art) than I do the knowledge of what the future trends are (oops). I love creating garments and pretty things, but doubt i'd want to pursue design other than for my own gratification, a beautiful silhouette and a delicate fabric and I crumble. I love dressing others, and have a huge fascination with craving this experience, but I find it irritating I have no idea how to dress myself! I know what does and doesn't suit my 'shape', but this is as far as my creativity seems to go at the moment.

See the pattern, I ramble.. continually. I can see myself varying between posting 5 times a day to not having a single thought for a month! Whilst trying to figure myself out career wise I share a lovely little flat with my boyfriend, a wild creative, who loves making noise (works in sound for films) and is as spontaneous as a child life is never dull and I love him unconditionally. Meeting him has helped shape who I am, a process which was very much overdue, I adore him ore than anything and he is my complete world and I can't wait until we own a little house and can get a dog (I really want a dog!)

So here's a little about my life :)