10.5.12

A whirlwind 5 months have passed and as always a LOT has happened.

I left December finally having moved on from the troubles I had last year, Ive never felt so emotionally drained in all my life, and I found the last six months of the year a big struggle, wondering if I would ever feel like myself again. I'm happy to say one day in December I just woke up, and felt like me, everything felt like it would be okay, and I wasn't worried about my inability to have children, how I would feel approaching my due date, and was no longer hoping to skip my birthday this year. (FYI the baby that we lost had a due date of 28th January- my birthday is a few days earlier). I didn't question why I felt fine all of a sudden, I just put it down to finally having moved on. 

When my gorgeous partner and I were in London celebrating our anniversary (a place that is very dear to us as our first 'official' date was walking along embankment at Christmastime looking at all the lights and just talking for hours), he got down one one knee next to the enormous Christmas Tree outside Somerset House and asked me to marry him, all I could do was cry, and in return get him blubbing a little because through all the struggles we had had, the only thing that we both knew was how much we wanted to be together and get through it together. Grief is an interesting thing, it can so easily tear people apart and cause conflict, but the only natural thing that came to us was to mourn together, and enjoy spending our time with eachother. Post Crying I instantly realised what had just happened and can barely remember a lot from afterwards, we spent the day in a haze of happiness, listening to Christmas Carols at the Royal Albert Hall, having dinner together and enjoying all the Christmas festivities that were happening around us, it truly was the most fantastic day and everything felt like it had slotted in to place. 

On December 23rd we found out that we were pregnant, it all pieced together why everything felt so right all of a sudden and how I felt so positive, everything felt different. When we found out I was already 6 weeks, the baby was the farthest thing from planned, we had decided we may start trying come February (after my due date, as for me this was the final hurdle, realising that there would be no baby and this date would always be significant to me), and on top of it, I had had a early miscarriage in November so this pregnancy was a miracle off the back of a miscarriage which is really rare!

Something about it felt different, I didn't think for a second everything would be okay, so we both ignored it and celebrated our Christmas as an engaged couple, thinking about ideas for our Winter Wedding (Dec 2012- which has now been pushed back) and waiting until we could get everything checked out to see if the same problems would arise. I'm happy to say that at 6 weeks the hospital found a very strong heart beat, and I'm sitting here currently at 25 weeks pregnant :-)

I have enjoyed every minute of being pregnant so far, even the morning sickness every single morning until 15/16 weeks pregnant, the nausea that I had all day every day, the horrendous sciatica, SPD and heartburn that I'm currently suffering with.. and looking like a whale. Up until 18 weeks I was still my body shape with a slight 'pouch' stomach, I've now got a full on stomach (which I love) and am putting weight on elsewhere on my body- I know its inevitable and as long as baby is healthy when they are born I will get myself back to myself. I feel blessed to be able to be carrying this child, and I love every time they kick and make my stomach flicker, I thought this wouldn't happen, as at 23 I had had a missed miscarriage which resulted in an operation having to take my baby out as my body had continued thinking it was pregnant, and two early miscarriages and somehow I'm sitting here feeling my little baby. I hurt for every woman that has ever experienced any problems with pregnancy, conception, child birth, as women our bodies are designed to carry children and reproduce and yet there are so many that find it such a struggle, and would give anything to be a mother. I know I felt like that, I couldn't see a pregnant woman without my eyes flooding with tears, and when my niece was born part of me felt so bitter as my baby was supposed to be born two weeks before. I'm getting a bit emotional at the moment, as all I can think of is the year anniversary of my operation, I literally felt like my world was collapsing, and every day for months I just cried and cried, I remember that night my boyfriend and I just laid in bed and just cried ourselves to sleep, it was the most painful thing I've ever experienced and I hated how much it hurt him, and that my body had just let us down. There were quite a few nights of this, just laying, crying together, and the thing I'm most looking forward to in this world is finally being able to have our child together- who will never know a day without love, and being able to marry the man who cried when I cried and mourned with me, getting me through every day when I couldn't see how life would go on. 

Every day I still worry, when I haven't felt the baby in a while he gets bombarded with texts and has to calm me down, I doubt that will go away until I have the baby (August), but there isn't a second that goes by that I don't feel like I'm the luckiest person in the world to have my husband to be, and for us to be pregnant :-)

I cant wait for baby to come, and my partner is planning the nursery as a surprise, we are both planning our wedding, and looking forward to having a little 7 month old baby there with all our friends and family celebrating one of the two best days of our lives.

This is little spaghetti

 (at the 12 weeks scan there was a lot of wiggly arms going on)

1. Ending with a proposal, starting with wedding planning

Literally this minute I am so excited that we are in a fresh new year, this year has so many magical moments and exciting times to come.

2011 has been incredibly hard to get through, the most devastating, heartbreaking days that I couldn't see how I would get through, my somehow my partner and I managed. Many of the struggles we've faced this past year we haven't even spoken to many about, and have just tried to stay positive and move on in privately.

This past year our love has grown stronger through loosing our first baby.. to loosing the two pregnancies that followed, each time making us stronger and more determined of how much we wanted to be together. In September we bought a beautiful little puppy after I suffered a second loss, she has gotten me through the most difficult days, and she has been there for us to love and nurture, and put all our extra love into which I think has been a great healer.

December saw Mr Bean and I celebrating our anniversary, at the most magical time of the year; we are the spirit of Christmas, everything about this time of year is magical, our meeting, our anniversary.. and this year with a terribly romantic proposal! My Fiance and I have spent our first Christmas together as an engaged couple.. and possibly our last Christmas together before we are married. We are so excited to plan our wedding, a small homely, festive, winter affair for all our family and friends to  enjoy. I cant wait to start planning, we are hoping this coming December.. watch this space.

Even with this new year I still have a few personal hurdles I need to overcome, my birthday is this month, and my due date would have been a few days later, so there is a lot of heartache still floating around thinking about how I should be preparing for the little life to arrive, but I think for myself personally once I get past this date that feels so significant to me I can start to mend. All I have wanted for the latter half of 2011 was for the year to be over, at one point I struggled to see a day where I wouldn't be crying due to everything, and it has only been since November that I've started to feel okay. The year that I wanted to forget and turn my back on has ended up being brutal, honest and ended in the most magical way; and we even have a little secret, that I hope can be revealed..

To everyone who has gotten me through this year, I appreciate your love and support and truly wouldn't have managed without you.
I'm so looking forward to this year, the coming months and planning the rest of our lives together. To the finale of one year, and to the beginning of the next, let's see what you have in store. Let's get wedding planning! X


These are not resolutions, but things that will benefit me that I'm determined to stick to.

• I will embrace every good day; and try to stay positive on those that are tougher.
• I will spend countless hours laughing with my families; telling them how much I love them and how much I appreciate them.
• Mr Bean and I will enjoy planning our wedding and just let it roll naturally, minimal stress and enjoy the feeling of being engaged.
• Every day I will love Mr Bean more and more, and every day I will look at him and know I have found the most supportive, caring, man in the world who I want to spend my whole life with and hope that one day we can manage to have the children that we deserve.
• I like to document the struggles, reading back over the last few posts is healing.

Curtain Call

If life were a book the chapter would be drawing to a close here.

This short chapter of my life certainly hasn't been a dull one, or an easy one, but it has been a life changing one. I have experienced the hardest thing i've ever had to go through and am only today starting to feel like i'm pulling through.

From today I am writting a new chapter, and I don't for one second beleive it will be easy, or that I will wake up one day and have laid all my pain to rest, however I know the  positive progress  that I am making by even trying to tie up the ends. 

I feel that my limbo has finally ended, with my body now back to normal and my figure starting to look more and more like its old self there is no more looking back, only forward. Daily there are still difficult personal struggles, but I am starting to experience occasions when my mind has other things in the forefront of my brain, and have accepted that if this hadn't have happened earlier there would have been complications later.. my heart is taking it's time, but very slowly its starting to catch up.

Funnily enough I wrote my Dear Self post all about what I would tell my future self to enable me to be strong, and took note of life experiences that I think to this day have made me a stronger person; if only i'd have known within a few weeks i'd be finding out I was pregnant and would subsequently have to suffer a miscarriage that almost tore me apart. I wrote about how all I wanted to do was marry my partner and have a family with him, that at 23 I knew I was to be with him forever. Through the joy of finding out we were pregnant and then the agony of loosing our baby not once has our love suffered, the rollercoaster we've been through has only cemented our relationship and future together.

What I have learned throughout this whole process is that life is short, unfair and emotions are pleanty. My motto 'Life is to short for endless plans and worries, just be' has never been more applicable to me than for this next chapter of my life, to truly move on with my life and not follow a destructive path will need me to focus on the positivity of my situations, to not worry about the future and more emportantly than all else to just go with my life, with my partner and for one day to end up with the family we are both more than ready for.

And so on to the next chapter, goodbye to the pain, the anger and to the part of me that will always be missing. On to the future filled with love, happiness, new experiences and to one day having truly moved on.

I will always have a place in my heart especially for you, my suprise, my first, but today I need to say goodbye to you, my darling.

This has been the hardest month of my life, it has now been 5 weeks since everything, and every day it hurts just as much. The tears aren't coming daily like they were in the initial 14 days, yet when they do they are painful, migrane inducing ones, that make me need to sleep for hours after. Everywhere I look someone is pregnant, people who I didnt know were have now gotten into their second trimester and are telling the world, everytime I see a baby its agonising, and I can't see how it gets better. I want to be happy and more carefree (after house/job responsibilities) like I was 4 months ago, but I feel i've lost so much of myself and don't how to start gaining it back. My body is taking a while to get back to its shape, inevitably my stomach is still swollen and holding weight, I need it to get back to normal soon because it's the most emotional headfuck imaginable, what was my early pregnancy stomach, is just now my body holding onto weight as it's not back to normal.

If anyone knows any way to get myself back, to get my body back quicker (and im excercising so much).. or a way to make me feel whole again instead of like a chunk of me is missing I crave the advice. I feel distraught, bitter at those who have what I lost, angry all the time, and this isn't the way I want to feel, I just can't shake it.

I'm not me anymore, I thought it' would be getting slightly easier by now, everyone has said it will, but every day its getting more and more painful and this doesn't feel like my life now.

Help.

Thursday 28th June.

I was going to write to you..

From the beginning I was nervous beyond belief, but my plan all along was to write to you, keeping an account of everything I was going through; to help me, but to one day give to you. The worries, fears, happiness and excitement to meet you were all going to play a part, all I needed was to get past this unknown stage and to be told you were on your way to being with us.

I've had the nagging feeling in my gut that something awful could happen, you were so important that maybe this was my way of dealing with the news, to counteract with the potential; to stop myself getting to attached until further along. A few people close to us knew, and although I could openly talk about 'being pregnant' I was always caged, and used the words "if everything goes okay" to start every sentance. This was probably my insurance, there was still a chance something could change yet, and if so i'd be prepared if that day tragically came..

Problem was.. I wasnt prepared.. not even close..

Considering how many times the thought had crossed my mind (this was how important you were, I needed to get my head straight incase..) and how it felt like i'd mourned you since that last unknown appointment;even before a definitive answer, no logic or understanding could prepare for the pain that soared through me when we were told you were gone. 

The tears were the most agonizing thing i've ever felt, I couldnt breathe when they came; they just kept falling, silently, unhysterically, making me feel weaker the more I cried. 

I thought i'd done most of my crying already, last time something in my gut was preparing me for this, everything felt different, I felt different, I panicked every time I didn't feel the symptoms as strongly as before, but I was trying to ignore that feeling, putting it down to worry.

I cried at everything, and those tears weren't even a spec of what has fallen since.

Even through this pain my logical sense knows one day we will have moved on, we will still think of you, remembered forever, but day by day it will get slightly easier. We won't go to sleep with a broken heart, or wake up and not know how to get out of bed, we won't have to change channels or be pained when we see a baby. But I can't stop wondering how you are meant to get through this..

How do the days get easier, How long will it take before I don't get a pang of agony when I see a woman with a large pregnant bump, How can I accept other people are lucky enough to continue on with their pregnancy when mine wasn't able to, How do I stop the anger and resentment?

I cant stop asking myself why you were never meant to be, you felt like fate, the happiest unplanned for surprise! In such a stable, happy, loved home you were the next adventure for us to have.. but we're never to meet you.

Looking back I knew I should have started writing, but I was scared to start.. I wish I had so that right now I had something.. 

At this exact moment I don't know how to be okay, I feel empty and angry, and more sad than I felt possible.
Why did you give up?

Maybe the way to accept you'll never be with us is to write you away, confront the pain, cast the anger aside, and look to the future when one day we will be happy parents.. all whilst knowing you should have been our first born, but realizing that you couldn't..

Friday June 24th 2011

 You will never be forgotten, and a part of me, of us, will always be missing.

This is a greater love than I ever thought possible.

Whirlwind

In the past six weeks it feels like my life has completely changed. My partner and I have moved from our stunning flat into a beautiful house, complete with a back garden and an incredible view. We've just started to get our weekends back after weeks of moving preparation, decorating, getting our previous home up to scratch and spending time with family.

In this time we've found out something which will change our lives completely, and subsequently has started to change us as people, along with this bears a lot of complications, uncertainty and worries. With both of us waiting on essential and life changing knowledge we're finding it hard knowing how to deal with limbo, how to control the sporadic changes in emotion.. and weather to feel hopeful or give up.

My partner being the more optimistic of the two is dealing better, but as I look into his eyes and watch them fill up I know he feels the same, a wave of sadness consumes us; and we briefly let it, before brushing it away and accepting that we currently don't know anything, and can change no outcome. In the past week I have felt every emotion under the sun, I finally let myself be hopeful to then end up in agonizing tears because it was the only explanatory act for how I felt. Not only has my (and our) whole life changed recently, but we're on a road to it changing forever, whatever the outcome we won't end up the same people afterward. I am so lucky to have such a great soul to be sharing both the good and bad with, someone whom I love so much.

All I can think, all I can feel, little one don't give up yet, we have such a large place in our heart for you and you couldn't comprehend how empty we're feeling with the prospect of not knowing you. You were a surprise, you are wanted more than anything, you will never know a day without love, little one don't give up yet.

 

Dear Self..

You're going to have some struggles, so sit up straight, pay attention and plan.
You'll feel such pain for your family, and you'll experience such love.
You'll have to sit with your mum countless times, helping her with problems, cuddling her whilst she cries, supporting her at all costs. You'll be there when her mum dies, you'll be there for the next 15 years everytime she gets upset about loosing her, trying to fight back tears yourself as you listen to her sob knowing there's nothing you can do except share in the few years you remember of her. You'll break down and cry yourself because all you want is a cuddle from your granny, for your granny to be here so your mum doesn't have to cry anymore. You'll have tears fall everytime you think about her, because you miss her as much as she did, and because you know that your mum to this day still needs her. 

 You'll go to your mum and dads wedding, and when your 23 you'll still remember how you ran into the graveyard holding your doll and cried a little. You'll never know why you cried, you were happy for your mum, but for 4 years it had just been you, your mum, your granny, and now you have to share her. 
At the age of 23 you'll look at photos of their wedding when your creating a mothers day present for her and feel such emotion, you won't know why, but you feel a great comfort that you were there to see them get married, that you are in a photo where they are kissing, that your granny was there to witness your mums happiness, that she married such a great man.

 You'll let into your heart the most amazing father, at first it'll be difficult, and you'll feel strange from time to time, this is to be expected, you are just getting to know him, but you'll always feel safe with him. Over the years you'll have arguments and scream at eachother, but even the times you think you hate him, and your crying like an idiot you'll always jump to defend him if anyone says a bad word against him.You'll be forever loyal to him, and as you grow up you'll know you care for him because you chose to, and that he chose you to be his daughter. He wanted you! 


You'll welcome a little brother, and a little sister who you'll care for as your own. Your siblings will come to you whenever they need anything, whenever they want a hug, and at 7 you'll be changing your little sisters nappies and feeding her as much as possible to help your mum and dad out. This will turn out to be great, you wont understand until your older how much pressure this took of your mum and her teaching, and how much closer it'll bring you as a family. In the future your brother and sister will trust you with every secret and you'll be able to help them out whilst giving your parents a clear mind that there okay.


At some point you'll have to mediate between your mother and father, for some reason they seem to not be getting on, there always arguing, they aren't spending any time together and there both upset. It pains you to see this, and you often get involved telling them they need to not be together or they need to start acting like a couple again, you tell them you want them to kiss, to be affectionate, to go away just themselves and reignite the spark. Your told your much older than your years, and your mum continues to come to you every time she needs you. Your parents get through whatever it was, their happy, they kiss, they cuddle, they still argue, it still upsets you and your siblings, but then they make up. They spend their weekends together as soon as your all old enough to be left, you couldn't be happier! 


At 13 you fall ill, you have 6 weeks off school and can't stay awake longer than a few hours a day, your mum panics when you shrink down to age 10 clothes, your so tired. For the duration of your high school period you struggle, eventually the doctors diagnose you with M.E/Chronic Fatigue Syndrome, your distraught and fight against it, this does you no good and you take weeks at a time off school. You need to accept that your not well, you need to stand up for yourself when people dont understand, they say your lazy and just need a good nights sleep, you need to not challenge yourself thinking its physcological, you need to keep going to school once/twice a week and up it when you can. You will pass all 9 of your GCSE's and you'll cry with happiness, whilst hiding guilt knowing you should have done better. For years you'll cry yourself to sleep and argue with your mum when she's trying to help, shouting at her that you can do it yourself, then dropping to the floor crying because all you want to do is go to school, be a normal teenager and have friends. You'll find a great group of friends who will understand and support you, who will fight your defense if anyone dares mention a reason your not at school, you'll all spend your summer holidays together, birthdays together, have house parties and drunken escapades with eachother, you'll pass your driving tests together and when your in upper sixth they'll buy you a chocolate cupcake because for the first time since you've fallen ill 5 years previous you'll have made a whole school week. You'll cry in the middle of the playground and be hugged by everyone. One of your friends will become your first boyfriend at 17, you will be happy for a time, but it was never meant to be, in the end you'll just feel betrayed by your friend, nothing more. In future years you'll see him around as you share the same friends, and you'll wonder what happened to the boy he was, he doesn't even hold a trace of that person he once was. You loose a lot of weight in this time, but its because your not happy with your life. You want to move away, have your own life, you feel claustrophobic. With your best friend at hand you go to college and start a part time job. You finally gain self confidence, you are faced head on with having to hold your head up high, and be composed, guess what: you succeed! You move away to university and come out a fashion design graduate, your personal life over this time will be tough, and you'll always dismiss yourself to an excruciatingly low standard. You'll let people treat you like dirt over and over again and when you finally start appreciating yourself you'll come out on top and can look forward to the future. 


 You'll meet the person of your dreams, you'll wonder why someone like him would look at you, he tells you you are the most beautiful girl he has ever seen, exactly what he described to his friends before meeting you, you'll go on a 'platonic' date, and you know your falling for him already. You go on your first proper date, and you walk along embankment holding hands, going to a fancy restaurant where he finds you endearing because of how out of place you feel. You nervously say that its odd how odd it doesn't feel, you know there's something about him. You stay with him at his place for days on end, and its already your joint home, he doesn't want you to leave, you know your falling head over heels in love. Within weeks your together, and at Christmas you both express your love. He moves back to his home town (your home town), 50 miles to be with you, you don't know this until a few months later he tells you, you want to cry! The thought makes you tear up even now, you move in together and you're so in love, so happy.

 Your grandpa will fall ill, and you don't know how to feel, he's a lovely man but has always been strict, you hate seeing him so frail, and you worry now for your dad. You start to worry about your mum, she's not taking enough care of herself, and everytime you think of the two of them you well up.. You want to protect everyone but you feel so tired, it's not your job but you'll always do it. You need your mum to be okay! You go home to your partner and he cuddles you whilst you cry. From the beginning you two have discussed children and marriage, and at this time there is nothing you want more than to be his wife, and have a family, you worry about your small family slipping and it makes you want it all then and there.

You no longer worry about what people think, you wonder why everything has to be planned so much in advance, how is a few more years going to help? You want to be able to share the happiness whilst people are still around, that's more important to you than anything, and so your at a crossroads. 
 

 You'll learn you are the most loyal person to your family, that you are scared to open up but eventually do, that when people say you can fall head over heels for someone- it can happen, that all those years you thought you weren't good enough, pretty, whitty enough, you'd never be happy are behind you, and that you are worth it! 

Life is to short for endless plans and worries, just be.